tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
