I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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