i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
