just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
