No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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