and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
