We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
