After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize