awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
