You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
