yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
