He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
