it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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