YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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