nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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