well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
