How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
