you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
