i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
