I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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