He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
