Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
did i just pee glitter
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
