Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
