Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
