I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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