watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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