remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
