If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
