bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize