I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize