my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
