i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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