She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
