I met the friendliest cop last night
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize