How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
