nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
