There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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