how can u be prego again
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
