I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize