Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
