nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
