As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Found the puke drawer
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
