FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
