I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
