Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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