I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
