hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My balls are so social today.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
