God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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