you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
