Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
