You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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