don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
