I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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