I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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