she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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