True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
