I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
