For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
