Four minutes until I can fart!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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