if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
