totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
